a writer, eh? not really. but why? because i'm a hopeless romantic. taunt me. laugh like the hyena. do the hokey-pokey. pounce on me. tell me how hopeless i am... real hopeless. go ahead. that's fine with me...
or share some pity and feel my pain. isn't that him, the dying martyr? oh, the poor chap. look at his frail limbs and fragile soul. but no, no. you'd never say that.
because i'm just a freakin' writer who no one cares about.. do tell me if i'm wrong, huh. not that i care.
did you hear me?
ace | adam | anna | ate airuz | ate aleth | ate anna | ate kimie | ate kris | ate lorine | ate norai | ate patit | bricci | cynthia | dana | desa | dina | gelynne | gerald | graziella | hazel | jaimee | jamie | janica | jason | jenny | justin | kathy | kuya dean | kuya james | kyreen | larz | m.a.j.i.k. | macy | marella | miles | phimie | raphael | rhio | pikselot | swastika | toki | yeye/valen
speak up...
past notes
April 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
credits
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hay. andami na ngang nangyari't nagdaan na yumanig sa aking kaluluwa. akala ko guguho na ako, hindi ko na kakayanin.
pero salamat, at naramdaman kong andyan kayo, nasa tabi ko lang. kayo yung nagkaron ng lakas ng loob na batukan ako't sabihin sa aking gumsing na ako sa aking mga panaginip at tama na ang pagpapakatanga, sobra na. kayo yung nakapagpigil sa mga luha ko, at kayo rin yung nagsabing wag ko nang pigilan, dapat ilabas ang lahat ng kalungkutan. kayo yung nagturo sa akin kung pano maging masaya. kayo yung nagpasaya saken.
dinamayan niyo ako.
salamat. mahal ko talaga kayo.
====
naku naman, di ko alam bakit ko pa ginagawa ito. siguro nagsawa na ako sa layout, o dun sa address bar... pero... magpapalit na naman ako ng blog. haha. di na nagsawa noh? pasensya na ha. sabi nga nila, kung may gagawin man ako, gawin ko na kung kailan kakayanin. at siguro kaya ko na... pero, hindi ko pa rin naman idedelete to eh. wag kayong mag-alala. gagawa lang ulit ako ng bago.
pero sa susunod, ibang gabriel na yung masasaksihan niyo sa mga isusulat niya. *ang corny noh? hehe!* pangako? hindi. susubukan ko lang. pag natapos ko na yung site, iaannounce ko na lang yung address. hehehe. salamat ulit sa inyong lahat. hanggang sa muli... (",)
so how've you been the past few weeks, gab? revisiting your not-so-distant past writings? how much did you find out?
yes, you might have changed sites, but it all speaks of only one thing. you do know that. and, yes, you were right when you said life is a never-ending cycle of merely a few events. like they say, history repeats itself.
so it's time to break the chain.
you say you're not hoping that anything would happen. and yet you do these very convincing things, which expresses your deepest longing for something to happen.
this i tell you!: either stop eating your words, oh gabriel, or stop writing in your journal. it's basically... this for that. but... just wait. be patient. just stay still and wait. and, in waiting, do nothing. precisely because you're just waiting, right?. so please, just stay.
you've been waiting for already a long time... maybe a few months or years more would perfectly hold out fine... heartbreaks? nah. too much of that. maybe more of them shouldn't affect you by now.
i hope you understand.
====
hmmmp. ikaw naman... pakasaya ka na lang sa buhay mo. hindi na ako makikialam. wala ka nang kailangang sabihin saken.
mas malala ka pa... mas malala ka pa!
hmmp! anong kalokohan ba itong pinasukan ko? akala ko makakabuti sa akin... akala ko mas gaganda buhay ko... tapos... hmmp! mas malala ka pa talaga! sa totoo lang, wala ka rin palang pinagkaiba sa iba... pare-pareho lang kayo! putek talaga!
bakit pa kasi... ikaw? sa lahat ng pwede? akala ko kasi iba ka. putek. nagkamali pala ako. maling mali!!! nabulag lang ako... naloko...
kung magsalita ka naman kasi parang andaming magandang nangyayari. saan ko ba napulot yun? ako naman si tanga, sobrang tanga, nagpapaniwala. ayan. naloko na! at oo, aaminin ko. umasa ako... pero pinapaasa mo lang pala talaga ako. sana hindi na lang tayo naglokohan ng ganito... pareho naman pala nating alam na wala talaga. wala. wala!!!
ngayon... sabihin mo sa akin... bakit mo ginawa yun? ba't mo sinabi yung mga ganung bagay? tingin mo ba pag nalaman ko yung katotohanan hindi ako masasaktan? mukha ba akong manhid, walang puso, walang pakiramdam? eh pano kita mamahalin nun?
kaya naman naisip ko na itanong kung sino ba talaga ako sayo. para maging ganun ka rin sa akin. para tama lang. pinangako ko yan. ngayon, alam ko na. palamuti. dekorasyon. basura. iniitsupwera lang. yun lang pala ako sayo.
pero... hindi ko kayang tratuhin ka ng ganyan... bakit? kasi mahal kita? oo. mahal na mahal kita. kaya hindi ko magawang magalit sayo. putek talaga!
nung una... akala ko matitiis ko yung sakit, yung kirot ng mga pinaggagagawa mo. sa huli magwawala rin pala ako ng ganito. sa huli, luhaan nga talaga ako. luhaan. lagi naman eh. lagi na lang!!!
sabihin mo na sa akin. ba't mo pa ako pinaasa ng ganito? ba't mo ginustong masaktan lang ako? hay. sabihin mo na lang kung tama yung hula kong sagot, ha?
kasi wala lang ako sayo. wala. wala. tama diba? hmmp! hindi ko na maintindihan ba't pinahahalagahan kita ng ganito. ang labo na ng lahat ng bagay. sobrang labo... ang labo mo rin kasi... nakakainis!
sabi mo nga, marami pang lalaki dyan. sabi mo nga, maganda ka naman... sabagay, tama ka. kaya nagkaron ka ng karapatan na ibasura ako ng ganito. naiintindihan ko na.
hay. nakakamatay nga pala ang akala.
leche 'tong buhay na to.
=======
sa kabila ng lahat ng ito.... haaaaaaaay.
sorry ha. ako ang may problema. ako. wala ka namang kasalanan. ako lang talaga. hindi naman ikaw yung nag-iisip nyan eh. hindi naman ikaw yung umiiyak gabi-gabi dahil diyan. hindi naman ikaw yung nasasaktan. ako lang. ako. ako...
nakakaloka noh?
pagkatapos ng lahat ng yan, babalik rin ako sa dating ako... at makakalimutan ko rin yung mga sinabi ko....
pero ikaw... ganyan ka pa rin... at siguro ganyan ka na talaga... hindi naman sa gusto kitang magbago... ano nga ba namang pakialam mo saken diba? at sino ba ako para makialam sa buhay mo? alam ko. wala.
oo, nasasaktan na naman ako.
pero... ganito kasi eh... ilang beses na rin akong nasaktan... napakarami na rin nun... dahil sayo. kaya kung masaktan man ako ulit... hindi ko na masyadong iindahin yun. mula ngayon. ganyan talaga pag nasasanay, diba?
pero wala ka talagang kasalanan... kaya pabayaan mo na lang ako. kalimutan mo na rin kung gusto mo.
ito na lang hiling ko...
pabayaan mo na lang rin akong mahalin ka sa paraan na alam ko.
at long last, i can say that this is one of the best days of my high school life. i just feel so liberated. woohoo.
today we had no classes. it was world teachers' day, so they needed a break. hell, we need one too. haha.
during english time, i was about to go into a frenzy because of this presentation thing, until when i found out that there would be no presentation for that day...
says our student teacher ("student" first... he says.) this guy has finished his term of teaching in quesci. he'll be leaving us. how sad. but anyway, life's plainly just like that. no hard feelings... anyway, we got to have a small chat with him, and got to know him somewhat better. hey, mind you, he speaks tagalog, he does. he just did on the last day. strange...
the next few hours, nothing special really happened, except that there was a Catholic mass from eight to nine downstairs. then we had our general cleaning.
i swept the floor for thirty minutes. it was then i realized that i was very good at it, provided that i was pondering over some distressful thought. i did wonderfully great, so four hours later i swept the floor once more, while they were doing some floor polishing outside. very relieving, believe me. (might as well follow suit, distressed people out there? haha.)
then this friend of mine planned a birthday surprise for his lovey-dovey girl. *forgive me for my terms..* hey, the thing failed... at first sight. when we were about to do his wooing thing, the nerves went into his head, and he seemingly forgot what-the-hell-was-he-supposed-to-do-standing-in-front-of-her. the good part is, he got to talk to the girl. *yikee!!*
and i nearly forgot, we are going to have a field trip! on october 11, guys. avogadro-4 will have its own solo bus. we gotta enjoy. dunno the timeframe, but that's it. no classes on monday. woohoo! (first time i enjoyed the fact that there were no classes. strange.)
so basically, a very fine day.
but... not everything is perfect, right? so... what went wrong?
this i tell you: only one very intricate detail... just you. you know who you are. dammit.
hey guys, did you know that this week is "world space week?" yes, and for those once unknowing earth citizens like me, it has been that way since 1951, the year of launching of the russian spacecraft named sputnik.
being a part of the astronomy elective class, we were "forced" *forgive me for my wording* to go to this space technology seminar, dubbed "space odyssey 2005." at least, we did not get excused from class for nothing... or maybe, that should be "I" did not... we went there by school service - y'know, the jeepneys and vans parked outside the school campus during regular school days... three of them. the delegates numbered forty-one.
anyway, the UP college of engineering auditorium, located on the second floor, was the venue for the said event. (hey, for those who will study there in the future, good for you... the place might look scrawny facade-wise, but the interior is... damn awesome. *only wish i took engineering...*) we arrived there to the sight of another bunch of students. later came two more schools.
the introductory speaker was an intelligent-looking guy wearing glasses and a blue polo. he told us that that room would be renovated as soon as we leave it, thus this certain program would be the last before the makeover... thereby making it a very historic event. what-ever. he also introduced each of the four science high schools present - manila, makati, marikina, and quezon city. first thing I noticed? we proudly have the best school uniforms compared to the nanny-like and common public high school-type regulars of the three others... and possibly, the best in metro manila. *go quesci!!!!*
after him were three more speakers, one a guest. one was the UPD Chancellor, who was said to be good in music and in math. the next was some sort of Dean in the college, I forgot what she did for a living... followed by another introductory speaker, who gave a very brief speech about the next speaker - a former senator whose curriculum vitae was spawned with achievements of all sorts and of numerous world-class institution affiliations. this guy, who remarkably looks like our math-1 teacher mr. chua, spoke for about seventeen straight minutes. brief, eh?
then came the ex-senator... who goes by the name of Leticia Ramos-Shahani... familiar? right. according to her curriculum vitae, (which was recited to us by mr. chua-replica) she was an educator, author, diplomat, and legislator. she had studied and taught at five of the best international universities that Mother Earth can offer us. she knew her French... she had been honored by Spain, and France... and she is definitely Filipino.
she greatly reminded us of our very own ma'am capinpin, who likewise advised us to take science courses for our future careers. the only thing that she lacks is a booming impact on the audience, for she speaks quite mildly and gently, in contrast to ma'am capinpin's impact-filled voice. (edge: ms. capinpin! hahaha.) and she discouraged us from looking for greener pastures, that is, migrating. quoting her, she stressed that our migrating is tantamount to exporting Filipino prodigies to foreign use. how sick.
then came the "lively" lecture, according to the lecturer. beforehand he promised us that we won't get sleepy during the course of his speech. mind you, he was right, for we could've fallen to a slump immediately any point that time. kidding aside... he gave a short quiz, testing the waters... and manila science, known for their mastery of the sciences, mistook galileo for the invention of the telescope. shame on them. we were the most active delegation, and noticeably the most in number... all of us had our shares. we were able to answer intelligently, compared to the others, who were quite lanky...
[here is an excerpt.... *i'm sorry, but i used shortcuts....*]
lecturer: what you see on the screen is a portrait entitled...
students: the Mona Lisa.
lecturer: magaling... can you give some strange features of Mona Lisa?
QueSci (c/o miles): she looks androgenous... one who exemplifies both traits of a man and a woman. first... and forgive me for the term, but she has flat breasts... her cheekbones exhibit that of a man's... and her hair is long, like that of a woman's...
lecturer: very good! anyone else?
MlaSci (c/o a small dark chubby or maybe fat effeminate guy): she has a mysterious smile.
lecturer: mysterious? could you tell us what you mean?
fat kid: .......
so who says other science high school students are better than us in science? to hell with them! go quesci!!!!
back to the lecture. he told us about remote sensing - the ability to feel without touching an object. in short, it is the power of the observing eye. he then showed us satellite pictures, space technology facts, and all that jazz. hey, cool things, anyway... we learned that potato chips sold at the sari-sari stores are directly linked to the apollo space program. how? junk food wrappers are basically made of this certain radiation-reflecting material called mylar, which was also used in the spacesuits of the apollo astronauts. and we learned a lot more...
the lecture ended later, and we headed outside and downstairs to this GPS exhibit (GPS stands for global positioning system... it is a tracking device, obviously one of the products of space technology.) down there, we queued up for our souvenirs (a bag which contains a visor, a red-and-blue-lens pair of shades, and other paraphernalia) and refreshments (consisting of one tuna sandwich, one banana, and two tetra-pak drinks).
while we were enjoying our snacks, some of our colleagues geared up for this treasure hunt in which they will be mainly aided by a GPS device. we ended up second place, behind makati science, the maid-looking girls and their male counterparts in green. manila science? dead last. *and oh yes, i'm oh-so-cruel...*
we were brought back to our campus through an air-conditioned shuttle bus. as for our happy moment, we (the fourth year delegates) all wore our visors and shades as we made our way up the stairs. so much for this day... for there are some details that i would prefer not to discuss. if you ever come to know of it... keep your silence, for my sake... thank you.
my last words? go quesci! hail to the blue-checkers and navy blues!
inside the classroom. out in the corridors. by the pathways. and even at the public market. in other words... virtually everywhere i go.
it's always there, flying by... and by, and by... like the willows in the wind... swish! a hand passed by... swish! swish! swish! someone caught it.
hands clasped tightly, head bowed down, eyes unaware of the light... he begins to pray in silence.
then a few moments pass by... he straightens up, opens his eyes and his palm, and looks at the little fluff with great expectations.
then... a gust of wind carries the willow away...
away... to... where?
up to the heavens? down to solid ground? into the hands of someone else, who in turn makes his or her version of prayers... and by, and by, and by...
do tell me... why is the common dandelion fluff used as the primary medium for our pleas and dreams? why do we sound peculiarly hopeful whenever we swear by the dandy fluff?
is it just one of those measly superstitions? does it inject something to think of in your mind? why am i asking these things?
or is it for me, a strange case of deja vu?
deja vu. how silly. so what if i had these premonitions of flying fluffies when someone left me four years ago? so what if one small wish, out of a million wishes, came true, no thanks to the dear fluffy? then again, what if that single wish doesn't matter to you anymore?
oooh... does it matter now? NO???
so why, oh why, do i, by instinct, keep on groping for these little things everytime i see them? why do i close my eyes shut, bow my head, fold my hands in prayer?
why am i readily able to let go of those fluffs, but not of anything else?
..............
OF ANYTHING ELSE!!!! why can't i? why keep on hoping for something real vague and... way too impossible?
how come i realize such, yet can't do anything about it?
do tell me.. do i have to do ANYTHING else? or have i done too much... enough to let go?
DEAR READER,
This blog site is no more used by the writer.
Please proceed to his NEW SITE if you're still interested at what's happening to him.
However, if you persist...
click on this icon.
THANKS. If you want to dig deeper into his past... Click here.
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